Chief Beef Loco/Script
They say 'tis often the tiniest among us hath the biggest needs. You hear that? Of course I do. I'm the one who asked. Easy, stranger. Your leg looks dislocated pretty bad. I'll pop it back in, but it's gonna hurt. Ready? Inhale. Hold. Hold. Hale. Always glad to help my brethren in the kingdom of life. Maybe someday you will help me. What the human intimates you doing, freak? Bestial-ulating that skeeter? I'm just a simple warrior for peace trying to do right by God's creatures. You see what this weirdo here is saying? Wait, which weirdo? I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I'm helping your mother. He's comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama! Take that! Ooh, frittata. Taste the pain! Take that! Buzzing My eye! My visual connection to this beautiful world has been severed! I got you, dang skeeter. Taste... taste... taste... Frittata. Your interspecial combat was noble, wise mosquito. What's wrong? You're flying all funny. Did he clip you? Buzzing Frittata. Don't you dare die on me. Echoing No! To be a hero, you have to go looking for trouble. Wherever there is suffering, I was there. Wherever there is injustice, I was there. And wherever there is crying... I'm right here. What's wrong, kid? These guys... They were Mexican, they were gang members, and they smashed my mascot costume. You need to slow it down. Relax. Inhale. Hold. Hold. Ahh. Hold. Hold. Little longer. Hold. Hale. Now, who did this to you? These guys... These Mexicans... They carved their tag on me, and I was supposed to be the new mascot of the team, and they were Mexicans, and they ruined my costume... I could be your costume. Do you think you can fit inside me? No, but you could tell people I'm inside you and go put on a show as the mascot and make everyone love me, 'Cause they think it's me, Not you. You're gonna have to go underground and hide. Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen. Your crazies have a brand-new mascot who's played by Percy Handfisher, sophomore whose parents were recently killed in a thresher. Booing Troubled High, give a warm, troubled, hey there, ho there to your troubled cra-a-zy! music plays Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Are you prepared for this moment? Hey there, ho there, ladies and gentlemen, the opposing team is so intimidated by your troubled crazy mascot, they are forfeiting the game thanks to Percival Handfisher. Percy, I want to be your girlfriend! I want you, Percy! You did good, Percy. Sorry for beating you up before. I can take it. I'm tough enough to join your little gang. Nobody has ever survived our initiation. Come give it a try. Here's my card. It's got embossed-gold 12-point courier font on bone-white semigloss stock. Bone white? I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white. Absurdity! I'm the leader! I say bone white! Thinking Lts haunting elegance is so restrained. See you tonight, Percy, and wear the costume. Chief Master Guru, you have so many wisdoms left to teach me. Years of you and I together. Of course, youngling. Uh, what's that behind you? I don't see any... Chief Master Guru! I vow to ramble these worlds and find the evil ones who did this to avenge your death. That gets rid of that headache. Yes, avenge me. Laughs Chief? I did it. You were a hit. Everyone loves you now. You even have a girlfriend. Really? Is he disabled? But stay hidden for a while. I want to infiltrate the gang. I just may have some avenging chief beef to queef. No, I can't stay down here. Calm it down. Close your eyes. Inhale. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. blares I don't have your money, man. Then I'm taking back what's mine. Now boil his blood and get our drugs back. Charge him a recycling fee. on door Percy, I'm surprised you showed up. Well, I'm not surprised about how much I like to do crime. You just passed the first test. Now pass the second. We just ordered a pizza, and when it comes, you have to kill the deliveryman. Okay, but I want to kill him outside, alone, in the dark. It's okay. We all have our own way of killing. Me, I like to kill on the beach. I like to kill to music. It's kind of embarrassing, but I like to kill on the toilet. I think it's because, when I was a kid... Kid, your mother just died. Farts Mocho, that's not why you like to kill on the toilet. That's why you don't like cereal. Oh, yeah. You are supposed to be dead right now, but here... 20 bucks. Get out of town and start a new life. Hey, thanks, mister. Thanks for the shot. I killed him hard. Pulled out his heart and showed it to him, and he was like, "nice." Bien. Now phase two. You have to watch us eat the pizza with nary a slice for yourself. Hey, he forgot our cuckoo-bread. on door Uh, I know I'm dead, but I forgot to give you your cuckoo-bread. A g-g-ghost! You got a ghost to bring us cuckoo-bread. Percy! You have shown true loco spirit. I think you are a prime candidate for our annual Pauper-to-Prince program. I thought this was my year. Once a year, we let one novice member sit in as gang leader for a week. I benefit, as I get to see the gang from a novice perspective, and then you benefit by experiencing the hardships that come with the administrative role that I play. I'm game. Percy, I crown thee temporary leader of the local locos. What's on the docket for today? Well, Wednesday night is tag Tuesday, where we paint our tag all over town. I propose a new loco tag... Solid white. Ooh, minimalista. I can think so clearly without all the visual clutter. Now everyone will know the locos are crazy about postmodernist aesthetic contextual reframing. blares Okay, Thursday night is mailroom Monday. We just got our new shipment. What do you do if the cops come knocking? We toilet-flush the drugs. Let's stay one step ahead of the cops. Flush them now. I like. One step ahead of the policía. Flushes Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hale. sharply That was... Okay, inhale, Percy. deeply This is the very sort of forward thinking the Pauper-to-Prince program was meant to engender. Friday night is taco Tuesday. This week, instead of eating tacos, let's just talk... Oh. All: Oh. So, who wants to spill it first? What do your heart spirits have to say to your mind-sacs? I guess I tend to use my switchblade as a defense mechanism. You guys are the only family I have... maybe because you guys killed my family. Before tonight, I could never express myself with words. I always did it like this. cucaracha" plays Crying You're right... Rape is not an excuse. It's a reason, and tonight, everything seems so reasonable. I'm big now, but I recently dropped 230 pounds. Yeah, I dumped your wife! I guess I told that joke as a way to avoid the real issue. I love your wife. She dumped me. How do they expect me to stay out of jail? That's where all my stuff is. Here's why I never take off my shirt when we go swimming. So she says, "Oh, that puppy is the cutest thing in the world." And it's like, I'm standing right here, mom. I'm standing right here. Maybe I do have more issues than a magazine stand, but all those magazines are puro fancy. I never wanted to be a vato. I just want to groom and train poodles. I secretly groom and train poodles. Are you guys messing with me? Whenever you turn your back, I secretly groom and train poodles. Watch. Turn your back. I'm doing it. I'm doing it! I can't see. My back is turned. Passion... This is what gangbanging ought to be about. hank you, Percy, for showing us how to follow our bliss. We're out of the drug game forever. Oh, no. Shiny's coming to town, and he wants his drug shipment. We just flushed ourselves a death sentence. Who's Shiny? He's only the biggest drug dealer since Truman. He's so rich, he had every cell in his body platinumed. Well, you just had every cell in your body passioned. Tell Shiny to meet us at the docks. Where's my drugs, Chalaza? I'm the local loco leader now, and we're out of the drug game for good. From now on, "L.L." stands for "Supportive Community of Connected Spirits." You give up your game, and I'll get you a job at the jobby job center. No deal, Shiny. Fifi, cuddles! I don't get it. Now! Barking Are you prepared for this moment? Slowly Frittata! I don't want Percy to be our leader anymore. You should have picked me. Give... me... back... my... son! Wait... sorry... I... mean... drugs! Buzzing That'll give you time to reflect. I accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior! Yes, made it! Groans I know what we can do with Shiny now. You were so sexy out there, Skeeter-beast. You're my passion. Sorry, but I'm with someone who doesn't lie about who they are on the inside. Come on, Percy, lend me some sugar. And now I ramble forth on my endless journey to be the greatest aid-spreader of all time.